Cleese on Terrorism

 ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE
 
 
 
 The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror 
 alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France 
 are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a 
 recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively 
 paralyzing the country's military capability.
 The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya 
 and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to 
 "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 
 "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit 
 Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. 
 Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody 
 Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning 
 level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
 The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's 
 get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason 
 they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 
 300 years.
 Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" 
 to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective 
 Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
 The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful 
 Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also 
 have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
 Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only 
 threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
 The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to 
 deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new 
 Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" 
 to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: 
 "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and 
 "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of 
 the final escalation level. -- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person